Thursday, October 12, 2006

Expectations: Joys and Disappointments

I don’t know about you but I have discovered something about myself. I’ve discovered that I have many expectations of people, life, even God that are deeply rooted in my needs. Some may say what’s wrong with that? At first glance I think we would all say “Nothing, it’s normal.” But over the past few months I have noticed that I have been being disappointed, as it seems, over and over again. I’m not talking about those types of disappointments that you just brush off, rather those deep disappointments that are filled with great pain.

For me, life began to run away. It began with the thought/plan that I would have a bit of a sabbatical, but instead I had extra work and responsibilities. Then there was the information that the heat conversation would definitely take place in May & the gas would be connected in 2 weeks. The longest 2 weeks I've ever experienced, it that ended last Saturday four months after the first time I heard "2 weeks". It certainly gives a new meaning to "2 week notice". The remodel continued and continued and continued (and still isn’t finished) so that my 2 week vacation in the middle of June was moved and moved and moved.

Deep inside me I knew how tired I was and there was such a cry/need for rest. A rest that seemed to be so evasive. Then when I did finally get vacation it was a week and a half in Switzerland. I was so looking forward to spending time with my friends. A time to be with people I know and trust. To be able to just relax and not “work” at scheduling my time, not work at starting new relationships, not work at communicating with unknown people but to just be. Well, due to the on-going remodel by the time I was able to get on the plane to Bern 90% of the people I knew and am in relationship with were gone on vacation.

The disappointment that came from those shattered expectations is hard to describe. The feelings of loneliness, and isolation that I had been fighting all winter seemed to be lurking around every corner and growing. Each day I had to will myself to make contact and find ways to make new friends. All the while inside of me was this struggle with the injustice of it all. Or at least that is what it seemed like to me. In the end It was a good week for me, I did meet and get to know a lot of wonderful people that I probably wouldn’t have spent time with.

It wasn’t until later when I was really able to hear what God was trying to say to me that I really understood. There was so much in me that was broken and needing Jesus that I became desperate for anyone or anything to “HELP” me, to SEE me, to not leave me alone with myself. All the while Jesus was calling to me to be like David. To learn to sit with My Savior and Friend Jesus in the field of sheep. Jesus was challenging me to embrace solitude. Because in the quiet place my expectations/hopes are based on what My King has prepared for me not on my broken heart. For as I sit with My Lord I begin to see his hand in the circumstances of life. It is at that point that I can say with my whole heart …

“And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given.” Romans 5:5

5 comments:

..linda.. said...

THANK YOU for this post. I'm in that lonely place right now and I've been given hints that maybe I need time in solitude, in quietness. Now I know that's what I need. God bless you sister!

Jonathan van Oudheusden said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Kerstin Sunshine said...

Hey is this denise? I am Kerstin, Sunshine or how you call me star. I am a blogger now too,be blessed in Poland , this wonderful and beautiful country and if I am mistaken an dyou are not Denise....tell me :) May God bless YOu dearly!!!

Kerstin Sunshine said...

here is Kerstin:aka STAR again and here is my email adress: newborntigger@yahoo.com
I am a real blogger now and I email a lot ! Be blessed Princess denise in this season of the year: may God shower you with HIS thaksgiving love :))) Star

Alexis said...

What a wonderful post! Reading this from across the world, I can feel your frustration and pain. Know you are in my prayers.